History
by xrightwhereitbelongs
Summary: Past events stop John and Chas having the relationship they want...
1. Prologue

History Prologue

"Stupid fucking bitch... send me out at 3 am in the middle of Los Angeles... why doesn't she just fucking kill me herself... bloody psychopath..." Chas muttered casting a nervous glance backwards.  
Were those were footsteps he heard?  
No one was there, the street was deserted.  
The cold rain pelted down onto the abandoned LA streets blinding the boy who was now quickening his pace.  
"Jesus fucking Christ... I'm insane, why the hell did I come out here in the first place? I don't have two goddamn brain cells to rub together"  
He was almost at his mom's apartment, only another 10 minutes or so and he'd be fine.  
This time the boy spun around hearing a loud clang behind him.  
He didn't have time to react it all happened so quickly.  
A beefy guy grabbed Chas forcing him into the nearest alley, pushing him with bone crushing force into the wall.  
"I don't got no money man, I swear." Chas said quickly as he felt a heavy fist tightening around his throat.  
"That's what they all say!" A deep voice said directly into his ear.

The smell was nauseating a mixture of garbage, dog shit, cat pee and whatever the hell the guy holding him had eaten.  
"Please I'm telling you I don't have jack!" Chas repeated his voice catching in the back of his throat.  
Laughter greeted the boys ears as the man leaned in closer until his nose was just millimetres from his own.  
"Please..." Chas whispered.  
He didn't want to die. Jesus he was 16 he still had his whole fucking life ahead of him.  
"Who said I wanted your money?" The man asked running his tongue wetly along Chas's cheek.  
Shit.  
Chas struggled bringing his knee clumsily up to meet the mans groin.  
He howled in pain however only tightened his grip on Chas's throat.  
He was gonna be raped, god only knows what this guy has... He was gonna be raped then murdered like everyone else in this fucking city.  
"Bad move kid." The man spat forcing his mouth over Chas's.  
He tried to move, to turn his head but it was held firmly in place.  
The mans tongue forced entry into Chas's mouth despite the boys obvious protest.  
It was revolting. He tasted like stale beer, old cigarettes and who knows what else.  
Chas let out a sob as the mans tongue raped his mouth.

He had to do something he couldn't just stand here like an idiot and let this happen.  
Chas again brought his knee up, colliding with the mans groin this time with more force.  
The man broke the kiss anger now clear in his dark features.  
His grip remained on Chas's throat caging him in.  
"HELP SOMEBOD..." Chas took the opportunity to scream however he was cut off by a blow to his jaw.  
The hand on his throat had been removed only now the kid was too disorientated to run.  
He saw stars before he was roughly turned and slammed back into the wall, his face being pressed painfully into hard brick.  
"Urg" Chas groaned hardly noticing when his pants were pushed down, falling around his ankles.  
"You better be tight, boy." The guy sneered slobbering all over Chas's earlobe.  
Chas tried struggling again only now his face was smeared on the wall.  
His boxers now joined his pants round his ankles.  
Chas shivered numb from shock and the bitter rain pouring from the heavens.  
"Ahh I bet you're a virgin little boy! It's been a while since I had one..." The man said grinning madly.  
"Please..." Chas sobbed unheard over his captors laughter.  
The laughter died down and instead Chas heard the unmistakable sound of a zip being undone, like nails on a chalkboard to his ears.  
He struggled harder doing everything in his power to break free.  
Panic had taken over, adrenaline coursing through his veins. Chas could hear the sound of his own heart beat pounding at super sonic speed in his ears.  
He couldn't believe this was happening to him.  
In one last desperate attempt Chas put all his energy into driving his head backwards straight into the beefy guys nose.  
Again he saw stars this time feeling the warm seeping of blood in his hair... Not his blood though.  
Black spots began taking over his vision.  
Everything faded, muffled, fell away into nothingness.  
Chas felt cold steel against his cheek, he heard a muffled voice in the distance but he couldn't make anything out...

When Chas came round all he felt was pain.  
His whole body ached and for a moment Chas didn't know why.  
The ultimate 'ignorance is bliss' theory, that is until reality came flooding back to him as the man behind his administered a particularly painful thrust.  
Jesus Christ.  
He had regained consciousness right in the middle of his rape, someone up there sure had a sick sense of humour.  
The pain between his legs was unbearable... At least his blood was lubricating things a little.  
Chas let out a pained sob as his rapist came and finally pulled out after what seemed like an eternity.  
Chas wavered and then finally fell to the ground unable to support his weight.  
His mind was numb, his body cold, wet and aching.  
He felt familiar salty tears leak from his eyes as the beefy man spat at his feet and laughed.  
"Tightest fucking ride of my life!" He said before turning and leaving.

Chas couldn't move.  
It had finally stopped raining although it didn't make much difference either way Chas was already soaked to the bone.  
Shivering and sobbing he pulled himself shakily to his feet bringing his pants and boxers up as fast as he could.  
Blood was smeared down his thighs but he couldn't care less all he wanted to do was get home and shower as quickly as possible.  
Tonight's events weren't even registering with him.  
He didn't want to think, didn't want to remember what had gone on.  
Instead he made his way back onto the street he had come from, stumbling towards the place he called home. 


	2. Chapter 1

Drumming his fingers absently on the dash and humming along pointlessly to some crappie tune on the radio Chas didn't even notice when someone got into the back of his cab.  
John sure was taking his time today usually it was a quick 5 minute exorcism but today he had been at least half an hour.  
"How long does it take?" Chas mumbled to himself.  
"How long do you take"  
Chas spun around quickly his eyes wide.  
"John... Jesus don't scare me like that!" Chas said as his eyes met the familiar exorcist seated in the back.  
"How long have you been sitting there anyway?" Chas asked his eyebrows rising in suspicion.  
"Too long now will you drive the goddamn car"  
"Yeah yeah keep your pants on, John." Chas mumbled turning the ignition and putting the car in gear.

It was 20 minutes later and Chas was sitting happily with an old book and a soda.  
John sat across from him with a large whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  
Chas's head was buried deep in the large book, his hair falling messily into his face.  
John was transfixed staring at the curly haired teen, his milky white skin and those big brown eyes.  
What he wouldn't give... What was he thinking? The kid was 18, he wasn't even old enough to drink! John had to stop thinking like this what was he some kind of pervert?  
How could he stop himself looking at the kids perfect body? How could he not think about those full lips and how they moved slowly as he read his book?  
Every time the kid smiled, every time he chewed on one of those stupid liquorice sticks, every time he spoke... Everything that kid did drove John wild.  
It was impossible every time he tried not to think about Chas he thought all the more.  
Don't think about a pink elephant... Now he thinking about a pink elephant.  
Don't think about Chas... Now he had a hard on. SHIT!

Chas looked up slowly sensing John's eyes on him.  
He gave the older man a nervous smile trying not to think about kissing those perfect lips right now... Trying not to imagine those lips sucking everything BUT his cigarette.  
He felt himself stiffen and quickly lowered his book to cover the offending part of his anatomy.  
You're such a moron Chas don't do this to yourself.  
What was wrong with him? Not only was John a GUY he was also twice his age. He was Chas's mentor, his role model, his hero but still Chas was fantasising about licking every part of his body.  
John was hot. There was no denying it. He had the whole tall, dark and mysteries thing going on not to mention the sucking of the cigarette ever 2 minutes.  
How amazing would it be to have John running those slightly wore hands over his body? To be able to run his tongue along the scars on his wrists and hear John moan in pleasure?  
Chas turned away in embarrassment his face flushing a deep shade of red.  
Chas hadn't done anything 'sexual' since that night... To be quiet honest with himself Chas didn't think he wanted to, sure he could imagine it all he wanted but in the situation he knew all to well he would freeze.

Oh god he's seen it! He's seen it, look he's so embarrassed! Why can't I control my goddamn body geez.  
John got up quickly making his way to the bathroom where he could fix his little problem.  
He couldn't keep doing this every time Chas was in the same goddamn room as him, considering the kid LIVED with him... Well he crashed on the couch every couple of days if that counted as 'living' together.  
John quickly done what was needed thinking of course of anything BUT Chas. Yeah butt John that's exactly what you're thinking of.  
He needed to get himself under control if he slipped up during an exorcism because of this it wouldn't just be his ass on the line.

Again Chas found himself back in the cab, alone waiting for John to finish up but this time he wasn't just thinking about John finishing up.  
The door opened and then closed.  
"At least you were quicker than this morning." Chas said starting the ignition.  
"So you never did tell me why you took so long..." Chas said trying to make conversation.  
"Johnny is always slow"  
Chas practically jumped trough his open window when he heard an unfamiliar voice instead of Johns.  
Chas turned round seeing a man in a pinstriped suit, hair slicked back, perfectly tanned skin.  
"You... you're Balthazar right?" Chas asked a lump forming in the back of his throat.  
"You've heard of me?" The man sneered looking pleased with himself.  
"John's always telling me what an asshole you are." Chas spat panic gripping him.  
He was in a cab ALONE with a demon. A demon who hated John's guts and would stop at nothing to piss John off.  
"Scared little boy?" Balthazar asked leaning in so close Chas could feel his warm breath.  
"N... not of you." Chas said trying to sound sure of himself but failing miserably.  
"You should be... I know everything about you." He whispered softly into Chas's ear.  
Chas shivered blatantly aware of how close the demon was, how easy it would be for him to be over powered.  
"I'm not going to rape you Chas." Balthazar laughed.  
Chas's eyes widened. He hadn't told anyone about that, not even the doctor who'd treated him afterwards. How could Balthazar possibly know?  
"I'm a demon Chas I have my ways. Why do you think John hates me so much? I know everything about him... Would you like to know exactly what he was thinking when he ended his life? What was running through that pretty little head of his"  
"Get out." Chas said moving his head away from the demon.  
"I know that when you're alone fantasising about John fucking your brains out that you're right back in that alley... being raped"  
"I said get out." Chas repeated.  
"Tightest ride of my fucking life." Balthazar mocked before leaving.  
"Fuck!" Chas shouted banging his head down on the steering-wheel in frustration.  
If Balthazar wanted to fuck Chas's life up he now had everything he needed to do so.  
He was right. Chas was attracted to John, Chas fantasised about John, Chas wanted John. And whenever he thought about John he returned to the alley he had been raped in 2 years ago. 


	3. Chapter 2

It was getting dark, eerie shadows being cast around the dim room.  
Chas was in his mom's apartment having dropped John off several hours ago. His mind was all over the place, he didn't know what to think, what to feel.  
Balthazar knew the truth and after 2 years of trying to keep this a secret all the hurt, all the angst had come flooding back to him. If anyone ever found out he didn't know how he would cope.  
He was half way through a bottle of vodka his tears rolling freely down his pale cheeks whilst painting another crimson river on his milky flesh.  
He can still see the faint outline of old scars reminding him of the desperate measures he once turned to, the measures he was now revisiting.

He's thinking of John.  
Is it possible that he could be 'in love' with his mentor, his teacher, his friend? That very thought scares him half to death.  
Sure he can fantasise about whatever the hell he wants to but the reality of the situation is simple, if John or any man for that matter came anywhere near him he'd freak.  
Sure he's fooled around with a couple girls before but he's never gone as sex, he's never got close, never let anyone in.  
Maybe it's because he's gay... How the fuck can he be gay?  
That bastard raped him there is no way he'd letting anyone put anything near him ever again.  
Chas's body begins to tremble and he starts to sob harder, thinking about the possibility that he might be gay disgusts him. He begins to hate himself all the more for even thinking it, driving the blade deeper into soft skin causing blood to spill over staining his pale skin.  
Such a contrast of colours it was poetry in itself but Chas was feeling anything but poetry.  
All he could feel were the cold, hard, bitter emotions driving him slowly insane.  
He wasn't cut out for this, why couldn't it be simple?  
Why did he have to go out that night?  
Why did he have to be so stupid?  
He brought this on himself.  
Chas quickly downed the remaining vodka cutting deeper still until he finally passed out.

Then he's dreaming.  
Dreaming of John in a swirl of colours, emotions, a swirl of lust, of love, of need and want, of passion.  
He can feel John's hands touching every inch of him, can feel John's lips trailing longingly over smooth skin.  
He dreaming of those liquid brown eyes looking deep into his own.  
Then he's back in the alley, only his rapist has changed.  
Now it's John, ploughing relentlessly into his delicate body.  
Now John's the one violating him, raping him.  
Now John's the one causing all the hurt, all the pain, the confusion, the angst.  
Now it's John creating the weakness driving them apart.  
Now it's John...

Chas wakes to a pitch black room panting, sobbing, shaking, screaming.  
His body is drenched in a cold sweet as is the blankets he lies on. His body shakes violently, salty tears streaming from his eyes, blood caked dry on his mutilated arms.  
Chas doesn't even notice the woman leaning over him a worried expression on her face, his mom.  
"Chas..." She said soothingly taking him into her arms.  
He doesn't protest he's exhausted, shaking and sobbing, still recovering from his nightmare, his hell.  
"Shhh it's okay." She says choking back a sob trying to suppress her own tears.  
"Chas I know I haven't always been there for you and that I've not been the best mother... I know I've done things to hurt you..." The woman sobbed rocking her son back and forwards.  
"But I love you. You mean everything to me and hearing you scream like that isn't something a mother wants to hear it isn't something anyone wants to hear. I'm worried about you baby! You disappear every other night god only knows where you are or what you're doing, this 'thing' with the drinking and the cutting and the nightmares it's scaring me! Chas I'm worried about you, I'm worried that your killing yourself"  
Chas sobs harder in his mother comforting arms for the first time in a very LONG while he feel's like he has a mother, that the woman holding him and soothing him isn't the drunken whore scrimping every cent she can to provide for him, not every thinking that all he really need is her love, her attention.  
He feel's like a little boy safe in his mothe'rs arms and that's exactly what he is.  
The realisation dawn's on him and he knows it has to stop.  
He has to pull himself together and stop this shit, to control his weakness... But after tonight. After this hug.  
After his few minutes of a normal existence. 


	4. Chapter 3

"You're late Chas." John says calmly the second Chas enters the apartment.  
Of course he's late, he drank a bottle of vodka in 10 minutes not to mention the blood loss.  
"Yeah sorry, traffic." Chas gave as his excuse.  
John was seated at the large wooden table in the centre of the room. He was smoking a cigarette, an empty glass placed in front of him.  
"So where we going"  
"Nowhere." John replied exhaling a cloud of smoke.  
"Then why am I here?" Chas asked trying to keep the anger from his voice.  
He'd just dragged his ass out of bed with the hangover from hell for nothing?  
"I need to talk to you." John said keeping his voice neutral.  
Jesus. Could Balthazar have told John?  
Did John know the 'secret' he'd worked so hard to conceal?  
"Wha... What d'you wanna talk about John?" Chas asked carefully, wringing his hands nervously.  
"Sit." John said pointing to an empty seat across from him.  
Taking a deep breath Chas crossed the room and took a seat across from the man he was secretly attracted to.  
"Look I'm gonna go straight to the point here. Balthazar paid me a visit"  
Chas's heart stopped.  
He felt the colour drain from his face as he heard the words he had been dreading ever since his little run in with the half-breed.  
His stomach did a flip.  
John knew. John knew about everything... The rape, his feelings towards.  
"I'm gonna be sick..." Chas managed to say before running towards the bathroom.  
He hadn't eaten anything in what felt like an eternity but he had drunk a litre of vodka and he was paying for it now.  
After a minute of puking his guts up, along with a little blood, he finally pulled himself to his feet swaying slightly as sweat trickled from his brow.  
"Chas?" John questioned catching the boy before he could fall.  
"John..." Chas gasped leaning further into the exorcist's arms.  
"Come here let's get you cleaned up. Geez you okay kid?" John said leading the boy over to the sink.  
Chas was as white as a sheet, a thin layer of sweat forming over his body.  
"Chas"  
Chas shook his head barely finding the energy to turn the tap on.  
"Chas"  
"What?" Chas whispered staring into the stained sink.  
He couldn't have this conversation not now, not ever.  
He felt his stomach lurch again this time only bringing up blood.  
"Jesus fucking Christ Chas what the hells the matter with you?" John asked the concern evident on his face.  
Maybe he was wrong? By the look John was giving his right now he was pretty sure he didn't know Chas's deepest darkest secret after all.  
"What did Bal... Balthazar sa... say?" Chas stuttered splashing some cold water onto his face.  
"He told me he'd talked to you. That he knew your secret and sooner or later I'd find it out." John said simply, staring at Chas through the grimy mirror above the ceramic sink.  
"Yeah I figured he'd talk to you." Chas stated, emotion void from his voice.  
So John was gonna learn the truth, fine let Balthazar do the fucking deed 'cause he sure as hell wasn't gonna pour his heart out about a situation that couldn't be changed.  
"Care to enlighten me"  
"That's why it's called a 'secret' John." Chas replied monotonously, making his way back into the kitchen.  
He needed a drink and fast.  
"Hey! Don't walk away from me." John said following the teenager.  
Chas was already seated pouting himself a large whiskey using the glass John had previously been drinking from.  
"Hey!" John said as Chas took a large gulp.  
John quickly took the glass from him.  
"Chas what the FUCK is going on"  
Chas laughed nervously pulling back his sleeves and placing his arms in John's view.  
"I'm a cutter John. Geez you caught me out, darn that Balthazar! You know he was ready to tell me what was going through you're 'pretty little head' when you killed yourself, he sure is a blabber ain't he John." Chas said with a smirk on his face.  
He was willing to trade this particular secret for a few more days with his more 'important' one.  
John's draw literally dropped.  
Chas's pale wrists were covered in dark red gashes, they were fresh and looked pretty deep.  
"God." John gasped looking away.  
"Why?" John asked shortly the look of shock changing to one of anger.  
"Why John? Do I need a reason as an excuse John? The only reason any of us does it is through weakness. I'm weak big-fucking-wow!" Chas laughed pulling his sleeves back down.  
John was buying it. That means Balthazar didn't tell him about the rape, he still had some time.  
"Chas... You could have come to me, talked to me"  
Chas sighed. John was being nice about this. John Constantine was showing some sympathy... and maybe he wanted it.  
"How could I? I didn't need your help John, I'm a big boy. This is my way of dealing okay so just let me get on with it"  
"No!" John said sitting next to Chas.  
"It doesn't have to be your way of dealing! Mutilating yourself isn't the answer, trust me I've tried it"  
Chas stopped for a second staring into chocolate eyes. Eyes full of the pain of the past, eyes that reminded Chas of his own.  
He heard himself gasp as his eyes fluttered closed.  
God John looked so good right now.  
The next thing he knows, soft lips have descended upon his own.  
It's a gentle kiss, a request.  
Chas opens his mouth allowing John access... Wanting more.  
For a second it's explosive, the heat between them is unreal... Then he tastes it.  
The unforgettable taste of booze and cigarettes, the taste of his rapist.  
Chas pulled back instantly, horror plastered on his face.  
His eyes lock with John's but he can no longer see the handsome exorcist, now all he sees is the revolting face he has tried so hard to forget.  
He doesn't turn back for a second look as he runs out of the apartment, he runs as fast as his body will allow and he doesn't stop running until he's as far away from John as he could possibly get.  
Doubling over in pain and gasping for breath Chas can't help noticing that even though there is a similarity in taste between John and the rapist, John actually tastes nothing like the big beefy guy who attacked him in that alley.  
Even though John tastes of booze and cigarettes it's a nice taste, a cleaner taste. It's a taste that turns him on, makes him want John all the more.  
Nothing like his rapist, not even close.

It's dark when Chas arrives back at John's apartment.  
He's had something to eat and he's had time to think.  
"Chas." John says in shock having thought Chas wouldn't return, EVER.  
"Hey..." Chas says nervously shifting uncomfortably inches from the door.  
"Look I'm really sorry"  
"Nah just forget about it okay?" Chas says waving the apology off.  
How can he accept an apology for something he WANTED to happen?  
It was bound to happen sooner or later right?  
At least now he knew how John felt and more importantly how HE felt.  
"Whatever you want Chas." John replied taking another sip from his glass.  
"You mind if I crash here tonight, it's just my mom kinda walked in on me last night ya know"  
"Yeah course you can, you know you can always come here right kid? No matter what crazy shit is going on"  
"Thanks John that means a lot." Chas said honestly.  
"Okay well I better let you get some sleep, you look exhausted." John said walking towards his room.  
"John"  
"Yeah kid?" John asked turning as he reached the door.  
"You don't have to apologise for something when you did nothing wrong." Chas said looking down at his feet.  
"Chas"  
"Night John." Chas said finally looking up.  
John nodded realising that was as good as he was going to get.  
"Night." He said making his way into the room closing the door quietly.  
Chas sighed kicking his shoes off and grabbing the spare blanket and pillow from the cabinet across the room.  
He lay down shutting his eyes well and truly exhausted.  
But sleep didn't come to him so easily. All he could think about was John and that even though the whole situation scared the hell out of him he had really liked that kiss... and he really wanted more. 


	5. Chapter 4

Chas woke up feeling strangely content.  
He didn't feel the heavy weight he usually felt most mornings, he didn't feel the sting from his usual late night 'cutting' sessions. No, he felt like a normal person... even it he was sleeping on John Constantine's couch.  
Yawning and stretching he opened his eyes not at all expecting John to be sitting a few feet away... Staring at him.  
"Fuck John! You scared me, don't do that"  
"Sorry." The older man said grinning a little.  
He had been watching Chas sleep for the last hour or so after last night sleeping didn't seem to be an option from him.  
Chas's words kept rattling around his head preventing him from thinking about anything else.  
"You don't have to apologise for something when you did nothing wrong." If he didn't do anything wrong then why had Chas ran from the apartment? Why had Chas had a look of complete and totally utter HORROR when he had pulled away so suddenly?  
It made no sense... Chas made no sense.  
Maybe he was just worried... after all John was twice his age... not to mention the whole gay kiss.  
It was a lot to take in for a teenager, hell it was a lot for him to take in and he'd done a lot of crazy thing in his life.  
"So..." Chas said nervously when the exorcist remained seated, eyes fixed on him.  
"You want some breakfast?" John finally asked rising from his seat a little too quickly.  
"WHAT? John... Wait a minute." Chas said his eyes widening.  
"Did you just ASK me if I wanted breakfast? Are you OFFERING to make me food?" Chas asked is mock surprise.  
He began patting himself down as if looking for something.  
"Wait a minute I'm not 'dead' how can this be real?" He said breaking into a huge grin.  
"Haha very funny kid. We have eggs... and bread you can either or you can have both"  
"I'll take both then"  
"Sure." John said making his way into the kitchen.  
Chas pulled himself from the tangled mass of blankets covering him, already fully clothed from yesterday.  
He yawned again plodding sleepily into the bathroom.  
"Hey John, you got a spare toothbrush or something?" Chas shouted.  
He had left everything at his mom's and his breath was pretty much a killer right now.  
"Um... No but you can use mine just as long as you WASH it properly when you're done"  
Chas wrinkled his nose.  
Sharing a toothbrush? That was just way too freaky for him.  
"No thanks I'll just use my finger"  
John snorted from his position in the kitchen.  
The kid was gonna use his 'finger' to brush his teeth.  
"Fine, just don't expect to be kissing me with bad breath." He called back.  
It was supposed to be a joke but the second it had left his mouth he regretted it.  
John you are one stupid asshole.  
"Okay... John. How do you manage to walk through doors with a head as BIG as that one"  
"The door's are wider than they need to be." John called back a grin plastered onto his face.  
Chas walked into the kitchen a while later surprised to see a plate of toast and scrambled egg's on the table.  
"Wow John I didn't think you were serious when you said you were making me breakfast..." Chas said genuinely surprised that the exorcist could cook or even had food in the apartment.  
"Hey I'm hurt! I have to eat at some point kid and no one else is gonna do it for me"  
"True." Chas said through a mouthful of eggs.  
"Tis is actually... rweely gud" He mumbled shovelling another forkful into his already full mouth.  
John laughed shaking his head.  
This was the Chas he knew and loved. The Chas who ate with his mouth full. The Chas who asked for a spare toothbrush then ended up using his 'finger.' The Chas.  
Back it up, had he just said the Chas he LOVED?  
How could he love the kid? Sure he'd known him for a good while now but love? That was a pretty strong word. A word he didn't use lightly. A world he very rarely used let alone FELT.  
"You okay?" Chas asked catching John's expression.  
"Yeah I'm fine Kid. Get a move on though I'm late for an exorcism"  
"Kay I'll just get my shoes." Chas replied giving John a quick smile before making his way back into the living room.  
This was great. It felt good to just laugh and talk with John. No funny business, no awkwardness, just talking.  
He pulled his shoes on quickly shouting to John that he'd wait for him in the cab before running down the stairs.  
Last night his mind had been all over the place... He hadn't know what to expect, didn't think he could deal with all these emotions, his feeling for John, his feelings towards 'himself' it was all a little too much for him.  
But today was a new day. He felt better about the whole situation. He felt like HE was is control.  
John wasn't gonna hurt him. There was nothing to be afraid about.  
John wasn't his rapist.  
John was John, the man he was slowly falling for...

"John PLEASE let me come? Please John I can do this I promise"  
"No Chas just stay in the car. We've been through this remember? You always end up losing so just give it UP kid"  
"NO, PLEASE I'll do anything John! Please let me COME"  
"Johnny just let him come! He want's you so badly can't you tell"  
It was Balthazar. Shit! Balthazar was standing right outside the door and he knew all about Chas's secret he KNEW.  
"Get lost." John said lighting up a cigarette.  
"Oh but Johnny I want to watch this little display of affection. If Chas is going to come for you without fighting for his dear little life I would LOVE to stay and watch"  
"I said GET LOST half-breed." John spat but he remained seated in the back of the cab, Balthazar standing right next to his open window.  
"Oh but Johnny I told you Chas had a little secret for you. Aren't you going to ask him what it is"  
"I already have, not that it's any of your business." John replied trying his hardest not to let the demon get to him.  
"HEY!" Chas cut in desperate to divert the conversation to anything BUT this one.  
"Balthazar, how are you? Sorry we're in a hurry now. Aren't we John? So we're gonna leave and you can... also leave and we'll catch you later okay? Okay." Chas said in a mad rush earning a strange glance from John.  
Balthazar merely laughed not moving an inch.  
"Oh but he hasn't told you his real secret Johnny. His real, deep, dark, heart breaking secret. Would you like to know his really secret Johnny"  
"NO!" Chas screamed in a panic jumping from the car he put his hand hastily over Balthazar's mouth hoping to shut the demon up.  
He could feel the demon's grin beneath his hand, he could also feel John's intense stare on his back.  
"Chas? What the fuck are you doing?" He asked at a bit of a loss what to do.  
Before anyone could blink Chas was being pushed roughly into the wall, Balthazar placing his lip's millimetres from his ear.  
"Tell him Chas. Tell him uncomfortable you are right now, how you're little heart is pounding as the memories of being raped come flooding back.." He whispered so only Chas could here.  
He laughed flicking his tongue teasingly over the boys earlobe.  
Chas couldn't breathe. His breath just wouldn't come to him. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears terribly of the demon's hard on.  
"You're turning me on boy." He laughed before become pulled from the boy by a VERY pissed of exorcist.  
"Bad move Bally. VERY bad move. You can do whatever the hell you want to me but the SECOND you touch Chas you crossed the lined." John spat throwing the half-breed onto the hood of the cab.  
"Johnny you are so... Stupid." Balthazar gasped continuing to laugh.  
"Look at the boy John, look at his face"  
John did turning his head while keeping a tight hold on demon.  
His face was ghostly white. He hadn't moved one centimetre from the position he had been forced into by Balthazar and the look on his face... It matched that of the night before only 10 times worse.  
"Chas?" John questioned loosening his grip on the struggling demon beneath him.  
"Chas"  
He was crying, hot tears running down his face as he began to tremble.  
He still wasn't breathing his breath temporarily stopped as he tried to clear the images from his head.  
Balthazar had... He had... But John... John stopped.  
He couldn't even think... Then his knee's buckled and he was throwing up on all fours sobbing uncontrollably.  
He shut his eyes tightly as he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.  
"Chas? Chas it's okay"  
"John..." He gasped looking into those beautiful chocolate brown eyes.  
"It's okay I'm here"  
Something wasn't right. Balthazar was right the secret he had been hiding wasn't the cutting it was something much much worse. 


	6. Chapter 5

John wasted no time in quickly refilling his now empty glass after downing the whiskey in no time.  
After the incident with Balthazar earlier Chas hadn't said anything.  
He had simply cried until John managed to help him back into the cab and drive them both back here.  
Now Chas was sitting with his nose in a book while John slowly drank himself into oblivion.  
There was something extremely wrong with Chas.  
What did Balthazar have to do with this? Had he hurt Chas?  
John was going out of his mind with worry and that was extremely rare for him.  
John never worried about anyone but himself.  
"C'mon kid. You can't just sit there all night, tell me what's going on." John said softly.  
"It's nothing John." Chas mumbled not even looking up from the book.  
He was completely ignoring John.  
He couldn't face him and he didn't want to.  
He had lost it back there with Balthazar and he knew it.  
Jesus how stupid was he?  
Go out and shove your hand over Balthazar's mouth? God he was out of his mind.  
"Chas you don't fool me kid. I saw you today, what's Balthazar done"  
"JOHN DROP IT!" Chas finally said looking up from his book.  
His eyes silently pleaded with the older man.  
He COULDN'T do this. John nodded downing the amber liquid and pouring himself another.

"John"  
"Hmm"  
"Can I have some?" Chas asked taking a seat across from the exorcist.  
John looked up from his glass raising an eyebrow at the boy before smirking.  
"You wouldn't like it kid"  
"Awww John c'mon I bet I will." Chas whined turning on the puppy dog eyes.  
No one could resist the puppy eyes.  
John's eyebrow went up another notch before he laughed.  
"Trust me kid this is strong shit"  
"JOHN! C'mon don't be selfish"  
Shaking his head John got up to fetch Chas a glass. If the kid was drunk he might just get an explanation from him.  
He slammed the heavy glass in front of Chas pouring him a large shot.  
"Knock yourself out." He said placing the bottle between then while downing his own drink.  
Chas smiled lifting the glass to his lips.  
John's eyes never left Chas's the whole time as very very slowly Chas took a sip his face screwing up slightly as the amber liquid burned his tongue.  
"It's good." Chas said nodding taking another sip, this time a little bigger.  
"Glad to hear it." John said smirking.  
He poured himself another glass.  
"But if you want anymore you're gonna have to drink a little faster kid"  
Chas lifted the glass to his lips this time he drained the glass shuddering violently.  
"Jesus fucking Christ!" He heaved wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve.  
"Not bad kid." John smiled filing Chas's glass.

It was a good couple of hours later.  
The first bottle was finished and now they were two thirds through their second.  
Both men were VERY drink.  
Chas slammed his glass down carelessly pouring himself another, most of which ended up on the table.  
"S'John why'd you drink tis anyway?" Chas asked slurring his words.  
"Because I like it." John replied knocking back his own drink.  
"Can I ask you something Chas?" John asked his eyes focusing on the boy with great difficulty.  
"Sure." "What happened today, with Balthazar"  
Chas laughed. It wasn't a light hearted laugh, the one John was used to, it was bitter nothing what he was used to.  
"It doesn't matter John, the past's the past. I don't wanna talk 'bout it kay?" Chas's replied sighing a little.  
"Chas I'm not as stupid as you think. I know there's something wrong, fuck know why but I wanna help." John pressed on filling both their glasses.  
Chas finished his first closely followed by John.  
He was used to drinking large quantities of alcohol, maybe not whiskey but good shit all the same.  
He's never gonna give up. Chas thought sighing a little more.  
"John I said drop it." Chas tried to say firmly but at this point he was just WAY too drunk.  
"Chas I'm not giving up until you tell me"  
"No"  
"Chas, tell me"  
"No John"  
"Chas tell me"  
"NO"  
"CHAS TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON"  
"FINE!" Chas screamed.  
He's finally had enough.  
"You wanna know what's wrong John? Do you? This is what's wrong!" Chas screamed practically jumping across the table to kiss John.  
Their lips met with bone breaking force as Chas grabbed onto everything and anything.  
John's hair, his shoulders, his face... anything.  
John was taken aback. One second Chas is screaming at him and the next he's kissing him... not that he was complaining or anything.  
John finally pulled himself together returning the kiss.  
He wrapped his arm around Chas's waist pulling the teenager into his lap.  
He knew it was wrong, somewhere deep down in his intoxicated mind he knew this was so very very wrong but it felt too good to stop.  
John tipped Chas's head slightly deepening the kiss, their tongues meet, the tang on whiskey strong in both their mouths.  
In his mind Chas was screaming. What the FUCK an I doing? But on the outside all he wanted was John. All he wants is to touch every single part of the man he's kissing.  
All he wants is to be close to someone without freaking out.

They're standing now.  
John's hands roaming freely, one hand resting lightly on Chas's hip, the other playing contentedly with the soft brown curls resting messily on the boy's head.  
Chas puled back slightly gasping for breath, his lips filled with blood due to kiss he had just broken.  
"John..." He gasped letting his eyes flutter closed as John leans in close placing gentle kisses on his neck.  
He's being backed up, John gently nudging him along as he busies himself with the boys neck he is now sucking on.  
Then Chas feel's his back hit something hard... The wall.  
John's smiling now, slowly undoing the first few buttons of Chas's shirt.  
His lips running teasingly over hot flesh.  
Chas moans. It feels so good, it feels so incredibly good.  
In his mind Chas is having a battle. He doesn't know how to react, he doesn't know what to do.  
He's panicking. This had happened not so long ago with Balthazar, he was stuck up against a wall with no where to run to... but this time it was different, this time he WANTED it.  
John continued to do wonderful things with his oh so hot mouth, latching onto his collar bone while slowly running a hand further south, he began to undo Chas's fly.  
Chas's heart stopped. The sound. That sound. The sound he will never forget for as long as he lives.  
John doesn't seem to notice Chas's sudden panic and instead moves his hand inside the boy's boxers finding what he's looking for he begins to stoke.  
His mouth is back on Chas's neck, sucking greedily at the pale skin as his hand works slowly.  
Chas's eyes are as wide as saucers at this point.  
His mind had clouded over as sheer terror overtakes his body laced with a pleasure he has never felt before.  
John's hand feels so good... Soon he's moaning and gasping like a whore but that's only on the outside.  
Inside Chas is screaming. Inside Chas is scared to death. He needs John to stop. He needs to get away.  
"No..." He moans weakly, gasping as teeth gently graze delicate skin.  
But John won't stop. His lips move upward meeting Chas's own. Sucking wantonly on the boys lower lip.  
"John... No..." Chas gasps into John's lips trying to push the demon hunter away.  
He's too strong and John just ends up going faster, his hand speeding up, pumping hard and fast as his tongue delves into Chas's mouth.  
There's nothing Chas can do.  
He's trapped.  
His eyes grow moist and soon he's sobbing crying out in shame and embarrassment as he comes, hard into Johns hand.  
When John moves away he falls to the ground sobbing heavily.  
He looks up at John with those big brown eyes, tears shinning.  
"Why John? I told you to stop! WHY?" He screamed tears falling silently.  
"Chas?" John questions suddenly feeling stone cold sober, the look of confusion clear on his face.  
"You wanted to know what was wrong John... You wanted to know and now you do!" Chas sobbed wiping away his tears in fury.  
He couldn't believe he'd let this happen.  
It was HIS fault. He had started this and now he was paying.  
"Chas?" John said again this time a little stronger.  
Please god no... Even John wasn't that stupid he KNEW. It all made perfect sense.  
"I was raped John. Two years ago, I was raped. I didn't want to tell you. I didn't tell anyone and now you know. Now you know because you just put me through 'that'..." Was all Chas managed to say as he pulled himself shakily to his feet.  
He couldn't even look at John, couldn't bring himself to look into those liquid eyes and see a man who had never meant to hurt him, who had only wanted to PLEASE him. There was no way Chas could look into those eyes because he would realise John wasn't his rapist. John wasn't the man who had ruined his life. John was John and that made it a million times worse.  
Chas left the apartment felling betrayed and used, not just by John but by the whole world.  
John stood alone in the dark apartment feeling totally and utterly terrible he had just made the biggest most stupid mistake of his life.  
He had just lost Chas and there was no way he would ever get him back, not ever. 


	7. Chapter 6

**AN: **I have a feeling that EVERYONE is OOC... i think you all might hate me by the end of this! not my best chapter sorry!

_2 weeks later._

The familiar crimson liquid trickled gently down his arm as he ran the knife over his flesh again and again. He had absolutely no borders this time, he didn't care WHAT happened anymore.  
He carved into his flesh one more time, the feeling of familiarity soothing his as he took another swig of the tequila he had taken from the kitchen a few hours previously.  
John hadn't even TRIED to get in touch with him.  
Stupid asshole knew exactly where he lived and hadn't even attempted to see how he was.  
It was all his fault. Chas never would have left, never would have ended up back here if John had of stopped him... saved him.  
Goddamn exorcist wasn't even worth his time.  
Taking another large swig Chas threw the knife across the room, gingerly rising to his feet he staggered into the living room.  
His mom was there stoned up to her eyeballs on god knows what. This was ENOUGH! If he had to spend one more fucking day dealing with her shit he'd lose it.  
"What is your problem? Can't you act like a normal mom and stay clean for one fucking day?" Chas said harshly staggering towards her, not even trying to hide his bloody arms.  
"Don't talk to me like that"  
"Why not? You walk all over me... You think it's okay to treat me like shit after getting high and expect me to give you a fucking hug"  
The woman before him laughed rising to her feet.  
"Oh Chas look at you! You think you've got it hard? You think your life is such a burden, what the hell do you think it's like for me? How do you think I feel? You pathetic little fuck why don't you try being me for a day! Huh? Try bringing up an ungrateful fucked up brat"  
"YOU BITCH! The only reason I'm fucked up is because of you! You think you bought me up? NO! You dragged me up you... you fucking hoe! Look at you! Your a fucking prostitute! Getting high and bringing back the lowest scum you can find! YEAH 'cause that's exactly what a growing kid NEED'S from his MOTHER! You haven't got a clue what being a mother means you bitch! You know what my fuck up of a dad did the smart thing walking out on you, I can't believe he could bear you for as long as he did"  
His mom's face changed, hurt flashed into her eyes before it turned into anger.  
She was livid, he had finally crossed the line and now she was pissed.  
Suddenly she was right on top of him, hitting him and screaming, cursing him and the pain he'd bought her, tears running down her face.  
"GET OFF OF ME!" Chas screamed pushing her away.  
"GET OUT! GET OUT AND NEVER COME OUT"  
For a second he was stunned. He never expected in a million years that this would happen but he had heard her loud and clear.  
Without so much as a backward glance he left the apartment very drunk and with nowhere to go.

For 10 minutes Chas wander aimlessly with no clue of where he was going.  
He had nowhere to go.  
He stumbled a little cursing when he bumped into a stranger and quickly muttered his apology before looking up.  
Balthazar.  
Balthazar laughed looking Chas over quickly before shaking his head.  
"Oh you look so pitiful." He smirked laughing a little harder.  
"I heard about your little 'situation' with John. Was he really that bad that you had to run away?" Balthazar teased laughing again.  
"How very pathetic"  
"Fuck you." Chas replied attempting to move past the demon.  
"You're a nobody kid." He spat.  
"Look at you! Look at the chaos your life has become because of one man! He doesn't even CARE about you, all you were was a little 'gratification"  
Chas shook his head again trying to push past the man.  
"You loved every minute of it though didn't you! You go on and on about being raped and how much it fucked up that pretty little head of yours, you blame your pathetic little malfunctions on it but secretly you loved ever minute of it, why else would you think those thoughts about John? Why else would you lust after a man twice your age? You're a dirty little whore." Balthazar spat inching closer towards the boy.  
"No!" Chas sobed shaking his head while silent tears begin to fall down his face.  
"You want to know what John was thinking when you told him you were raped? He was turned on little boy, he still can't get that image out of his head while he jerks off"  
"NO!" Chas screamed.  
"You're lying! No! Stop!" He pleaded shaking his head roughly as he backed away.  
Balthazar smirked walking steadily towards the shaking boy.  
Chas hit the hard wall his eyes suddenly wide as Balthazar raised his hand to the boys lips. Slowly he ran his fingers gently over Chas' lips.  
"Shhh..." He soothed using his other hand to stroke the boys hair.  
"No one will miss you. You can rest, have peace"  
Chas shook his head knowing exactly what the half-breed was saying.  
"You think I'm an idiot? Suicides go straight to hell you psychopath! Don't even try your bullshit mind games on me!" Chas said angrily pushing the half-breed away.  
Balthazar smirked putting his fingers into his mouth and sucking.  
"Mmm delicious." He grinned teasing the teenager.  
"You bastard!" Chas screamed before lunging at the demon, his anger fuelled by the alcohol.  
Of course it only took Balthazar a couple of seconds to overpower the scrawny boy and soon he was pressed face forward into a wall.  
The situation was all too familiar to the drunken boy but he didn't break down. He hardly even felt worried just very VERY mad.  
"Get your fucking hands off of me!" He hissed struggling all the more.  
"Or what? Johnny boy isn't going to rescue you this time." Balthazar laughed manoeuvring his hand so that he was stroking Chas' crotch.  
Now Chas was panicking the anger quickly draining from him, he was stone cold sober.  
"You let this happen Chas. You practically invited me to do this..." Balthazar whispered into his ear.  
And in an instant he realised Balthazar was right, he was still the same stupid pathetic kid as he was 2 years ago. He was still the worthless good for nothing kid... and in that instant he was crushed.  
No one cared.  
He was here in this alley and no one cared.  
No one gave a toss about him and his fucked up mess of a life because no one was even aware he existed, no one even acknowledged him.  
John... John could have helped him but he didn't want to know.  
He was broken beyond repair.  
All the hope, all the strength and determination... all gone.  
He was just like every other broken wreak in LA.  
Chas' self pity washed over Balthazar in waves and suddenly he was hard. The kid had been so easy to break.  
The innocent and naive boy had been thrown away and now all that was left was this 'damaged' shell.  
Balthazar grinned as he undid the kids pants, laughing at the small whimper that escaped those plump pink lips.  
He was going to enjoy this.


	8. Chapter 7

Chas closed his eyes letting the cool night air numb his aching body.  
He was sitting in the same alley Balthazar had pulled him into, crouched down against the wall his breathing heavy as his senses caught up with his mind.  
Balthazar had... he was about to rape Chas.  
Everything was complete chaos, he was sobbing, begging the demon to stop and then he had passed out.  
Everything had gone dark and quiet and finally he had peace.  
It was like going to sleep after a very long day, a relief.  
When Chas came round he was alone in the dingy alley, the sun just beginning to set casting a warm orange glow around him, calming him.  
He was in pain, his head was spinning but there was no sign that he had been raped.  
What had happened? Why had he just snapped like that? He was ready to give up... he HAD given up.  
Look's like God gave a damn after all.  
Slowly the teen pulled himself to his feet, shaking violently he grabbed on to the wall.  
This could have turned out very different. Things could have really got bad... but they hadn't and Chas had absolutely no idea why.

Walking into the street Chas felt like he was seeing everything for the first time, that he was a child looking out at the word, a blind man seeing after a lifetime of darkness.  
The feeling was so surreal, so pure stealing his breath away at the simplistic beauty of everyday life. He had lived here his whole life, walked these streets for so long but today he was looking at everything with a new understanding.  
All the pain he had felt when Balthazar had him trapped against that wall, all the doubt, the angst and the self loathing... all of it was gone, being replaced by the calm lightness he felt now.

He began to walk with a new purpose in life, only one thing occupying his mind. John.  
John had only ever tried to help him, tried to show Chas the feelings he had for the teen and that couldn't have been easy.  
Chas had let his past take over his life. What had happened was done and dusted and now he finally felt like he had buried that particular hurt in a 6 foot grave.  
His feet moved effortlessly, following an invisible line, leading him straight to the bowling alley.  
The BOWL BOWL BOWL sign shinning brightly, the neon lights casting its strong colours on the sidewalk and on the boy standing beneath it.  
That sign was a breath of fresh air. It was the familiarity he associated with the exorcist that resided above the bowling alley, it was that sign which made him smile, his first real smile in a long time.

For two years Chas Kramer had seen the negative side of life. His glass was always half empty, there was no silver lining in his clouds and there was no bright side to his life.  
Things were bad.  
His confidence was non-existent, he was lonely and in pain.  
Chas had hated himself so much he had cut himself off from the world around him and in a way today was the first day he felt alive.  
He was Chas Kramer again.  
He was that care free, crazy kid and it felt phenomenal.  
He looked down at the scars on his wrists a small frown crossing over his face. What had drove him to do this to himself? What had been so terrible in his life?  
In LA alone so many people had lives so hard his didn't compare. So many people had been mugged, raped and so much more. What was it about him that had made him fall apart so desperately?  
What had happened today, what had changed in him?  
Pushing this to the back of his mind he entered the building, heading straight upstairs to John's apartment.  
Would he be home? Did he want to see Chas?  
Chas was physically trembling by the time he reached that oh so familiar heavy wooden door, the frame ridden with strange symbols and incantations.  
He raised his hand knocking softly on the door.

John was at the table, drinking... again.  
Since Chas had left that night all he could think about was how the teenager must have felt.  
How HIS actions had effected Chas in such a negative way.  
Of course at the back of his mind he had know, when Balthazar told him Chas had a secret... he had known deep down.  
Why couldn't he have listened to that voice? If he hadn't been so stupid he could have avoided the whole mess.  
What was he thinking?  
For Christ sake he fell for an 18 year old kid! How could anything ever turn out okay?  
Now what was he supposed to do? Chas was his apprentice and as much as he hated to admit it he had begun to rely on him.  
There wasn't just the physical attraction, there were the jokes, the light banter between them... When Chas was around the atmosphere changed for the better. John would stop smoking to talk to the boy, laugh... smile every once in a while.  
Without him... everything was just so empty and cold.  
There was a knock at the door disrupting John's thoughts. He took a final gulp of the amber liquid standing up to walk slowly towards the door.

"John." Chas said softly looking up as the older man pulled the door open reluctantly.  
"Chas"  
Chas smiled a little at the look of disbelief on his mentors face.  
"You gonna gawp at me all day or can I come in." He asked cocking his head to one side.  
John didn't say anything, instead he retreated back into the apartment in silence taking a seat at the table, motioning for Chas to join him.  
"Look kid, about the other day..." John started looking at Chas guiltily.  
"No." Chas said raising a hand to silence him.  
"I don't want you to apologise and I don't want you to pity me. I just want you to listen John"  
John stared finally nodding he poured himself another drink.  
"I was raped two years ago and my whole life changed. I wasn't Chas Kramer anymore... I don't know who I was. Somewhere deep down I was still the same guy but he was buried too deep, he just couldn't get out. Sometimes when I was with you... I could be myself if only for a few hours. Then something happened, Balthazar"  
"BALTHAZAR? What did he do?" John interrupted.  
"John, It doesn't matter okay I just want you to LISTEN!" He said a little impatiently.  
He wanted to get this out, all of it.  
John scowled however he didn't interrupt again.  
"I ran into Balthazar, he told me I had nothing to live for and I had no use... I believed him. I finally snapped John and in that instant I didn't give a fuck about my life or what happened to me because I was broken... I was so far inside myself I didn't exist, then something changed. I don't know what and I don't know how or why but something changed. I don't want to live the way I've been living. I don't want to have a nervous break down everytime a man comes near me, I don't want to hurt myself, or drink myself unconscious... I don't want to shy away when you touch me..." Chas said trailing off his eyes meeting John's.  
"I love you." He finished his mouth suddenly very dry.

John didn't know what to say.  
He didn't know how to react because he had never had someone spill so many of their intimate secrets to him.  
John Constantine wasn't exactly the type of guy you 'talked' to.  
"Chas..." He said standing up and walking around the table.  
Chas rose to meet him so desperate to have some physical contact, ANY kind of contact after two years of nothingness.  
John reached out, his arms going out around Chas' waist pulling the boy closer towards him. His lips meet the teen's in a bruising kiss, moaning when Chas' hand found his ass.  
Chas moaned his free hand running softly across John's cheek as he pulled back tears in his eyes.  
John stopped.  
"Chas... We don't need to do this"  
Chas shook his head laughing lightly.  
"S'not that." He said wiping a salty tear with the back of his hand.  
"I'm just so happy." He said with a smile kissing John's cheek affectionately.  
Raising an eyebrow John chuckled lightly.  
"Your crying because you're happy?" He asked incredulously.  
"Damn straight." He said a huge grin spreading across his face as he took John's hand leading him to the bedroom.  
He was Chas Kramer and NOTHING would ever change that. 


End file.
